New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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