Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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