Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
