Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
