I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
