I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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