you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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