I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
