You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
