I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
