Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
