Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
