then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
