i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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