its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize