Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
