I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
