I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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