The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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