I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
