i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
