For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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