Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
