i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
