So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Let's get the cat blown out
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
