My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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