if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
