It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I need a burrito and a hug.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
