She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
