Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
