im six kinds of drunk right now
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
