dude i'm inner monologue high
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
