My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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