Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
