hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
