that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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