Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize