So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize