i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
