why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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