I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize