I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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