He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
