So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
