Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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