McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
