I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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