Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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