I'm drive I can fine osifer
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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