Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
