Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
