well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
