Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize