Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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